Commitment issues?Jun 08, 2020
Dealing with an Avoidant
I finished reading attached Below is what I discovered
Do you know if you are anxious, avoidant or secure ?
Even if you do know your attachment type. Do you know how to make it work for you so that you can truly be happy in a relationship ?
Every single person on this planet needs to read this book. I have uncovered so much about myself and now I can use the information to find a partner who matches my personality type.
I thought I had it all figured out before this book. I just believed that I was single because no one fitted into my crazy ‘life in a suitcase’ lifestyle. No matter who I was dating- They didn't fit in, I would tell them from day one;
‘Just to let you know, I'm leaving soon so this has to be casual ok? ‘
Giving them the heads up made me feel like I was doing the right thing
‘Oh well, they knew from the start eh ?’
Little did I know I was an avoidant, and if I didn't recognise this I would be going down a long road of unhappy failed relationships.
Someone who avoids getting close, is totally afraid to depend on anyone. We let people in but not fully enough to be vulnerable. We use every excuse under the sun to not get close.
‘Oh you don't like reading ? oh ok we aren't meant to be then’
We run at the sign of any anxious behaviour of our partner. We use deactivating strategies such as;
-Focusing on small imperfections of our partners, such as fashion , social groups and let them get in the way of our romantic feelings
-Flirting with others- a hurtful way to introduce insecurity
-Saying im not ready to commit
-Pining after a phantom ex ( there is always someone else you can compare to keep you from getting close)
When I discovered all this I was hit with a bang, it's true. What I realised is that I do want a relationship at some point in my life and i must stop saying ‘ oh he's not the one’ it's time to face up to the avoidant.
How to be in a happy relationship as an avoidant :
-I must break through all these sabotaging strategies and let someone in ( When i'm ready haha its a work in progress)
-- I must search for a secure partner. An anxious insecure partner will constantly be paranoid- questioning me -asking where i am. This is something that would threaten my freedom and would have me running for the hills. A secure partner would be a solid base for the relationship.
-I must inform my future partner of my attachment type,that it takes a little longer for me to get close. That way he won't be freaking out when all of a sudden I need little space and independence. He will be reassured if he knows the facts and that way create a secure base
- Engage in effective communication as much as possible,make sure we are open and honest and not engaging in damaging behaviours
-I need to break through the ‘theres no spark’ trap. Avoidants use this as a way to escape but in fact we must break through the ‘boring’ trap and accept the person in front of us, work on it and let them in to be vulnerable, because to be truly happy and in love we must be vulnerable (even writing that i feel fear lol)
There are plenty of tips in the book on how to use your attachment type to be happy. So buy it now!
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